Musings of a Peri-Menopausal Woman

Rachael CrowMenopause, Menstrual Health, Musings

“Peri menopause is like being pre-menstrual ALL MONTH LONG.”

When I heard that I couldn’t quite believe it, especially since I had done so much positive menstrual work since my 20’s…PMT/PMS whatever you want to label it, it just didn’t exist for me anymore….I had maybe one day- just before my bleed where I was a bit “off”, but if I went for a walk on my own, watched a movie, had a long bath…my moontime would come and I’d dive into my womb temple. (prior to working on this stuff I would act out awfully; binge eating/drinking, cutting my hair, self harming, raging, shopping, sex…you name it…I did it!)

My peri menopausal journey has brought back the PMT big time…and of course, we all know these symptoms can purely be stress related and boy- if you’ve read my previous blog posts- was I stressed!

So what’s been interesting for me is noticing that the subtleties of the inner seasons is changing; while I can really drop into my inner spring- vulnerable maiden time, and I feel the energy rising as I come into my ovulation- inner summer….underlying is still an angsty, irritated, feeling on the ‘edge of something’ woman! Ah, so this is what they mean by being pre-menstrual all month long!!

Other things I’m noticing…which I am assured by other women both in peri menopause and who have come out the other end are normal-

Some days I want to listen to music REALLY LOUD- stuff from my youth- loud punk, trip hop, hard rock!

Some days I NEED complete silence, just the birds are enough. Don’t you start chain sawing, hammering, singing, drumming, playing your guitar, talking at me, No No No…just be quiet!

Yesterday I was ok at a kids party, chatting and being sociable, today I don’t want to see anyone, nope, no one.

I want to swear A LOT…(which is tricky as a mum of little ones!)

Some days I say F*(K it , I don’t feel like going to work today, I NEED to lie under a tree instead. (I’m lucky, I’m self employed so I can!)

Some days I want to have a bath in the middle of the day, and just wallow in those epsom salts and essential oils…bliss!

Some days my emotions are VERY close to the surface….anything can set off the tears or the anger.

Some days I’m just totally fine!

Some days I feel like I’m just falling apart- as I’ve mentioned in posts before- I feel like I’m the mush in a cocoon…waiting to be a butterfly.

Some days I have HIGH ANXIETY, heart palpitations, panic attacks and I worry about everything- money, family, security… I feel overwhelmed by it all.

Some days I have COMPLETE TRUST in the Universe…’I am supported and held.’

Many nights I cant sleep…I have night sweats, insomnia and anxiety.

Some nights I sleep like a log…for 12 hrs straight!

Some days I wanna take on the world…my anger drives my need for justice and equality, I’ll take on any cause going!

Some days I feel so helpless at the injustice and inequality of the world, I just want to curl up in a ball and pretend none of it exists.

Are you getting a picture? Us perimenopausal women are on a journey, a journey of finding ourselves…similar to the journey of the teenager finding themselves….we DON’T need you to fix anything, please don’t tip toe around us for fear of making us cry/rage/run away…. just allow us our time to get there and transform into the butterflies we are becoming!

(and please don’t tell us we are grumpy, moody, have ‘bad/negative energy’, we’re controlling or crazy…WE KNOW THAT! And we’re working on it!)

(c) Rachael Crow  2017